Time....
Time seems abit slower ever since I went for my dive trip... minutes feels like hours.. and days pass by like years... I seriously have no idea whats wrong.... I hate this feeling.... am I waiting for the day that you are coming??... or am I dragging the day you are coming back???... am I afraid???... that's the problem when all your feeling senses are gone... I simply do not know what I want...
I guess i'm partially afraid... after some of conversation with you... I just do not know will you be able to compromise my work... I love my work... I love the process of creating the baby and everyone looks at my baby.... just like having a real baby... I put my heart and soul and my time to groom it... However, I wanted you to understand that I really wanted to spend time with you whenever I can... I guess partially I'm in a wrong... I should have called when I'm free on the set or drop you sms whenever I can... but I think after the previous r/s.. I have subconsciously become independent.. and that's why you are not in my mind most of the time... last time I use to msg alot to my ex... dropping him little sms love notes, etc... he will give me morning call everyday to wake me up from my lazy sleep... and at night before sleep we will chat about the day work and turn in to sleep... but all these makes one dependent, and I'm afraid to fall back to there and hurt myself badly after that... I developed a hate for sms and phone... if you have read my previous entries you will understand how I felt after the break off.... I do not want this r/s to become the previous one... with me always talking to the phone(you)... so no matter how tired I am... I will still drag myself to you and see you and chat with you... I just hope you can understand my passion for my work.. just like I have for your work... I admit that I'm workaholic... ignoring my familyand loved one.... but i do hope at time you can make yourselves known when I'm in that mind and snap me out of it. Is not that I don't care... is just that I need time to learn and adjust myself...
Another point is, I always thought that this relationship is a very matured r/s.... we respect the personal space that we have with work, friends and ourselves... prehaps I overlooked... you are more dependent in the r/s than I have thought... your attention for care and love was a total opposite with you character... I always thought that you are very independent but after this incident I realise that you are very independent with you life.. but when it comes to a r/s you are very insecury about everything... my apologies for not sensing and understand you more... I thought that your 1st r/s was so long... and you sounded that you are a future person and not a past person... you should have let it go and move on... but I guess we are all human.. we all live our lifes with regrets and hurt buried deep inside the heart... we look normal from the outside, pretending that we don't mind about the past, never think about the past, the past does not hurt you anymore.. but deep inside... you just hope that no one goes in and give that wound a touch.... and awake that horrible feeling once again... I guess if I ever bump into my ex... my heart will just freeze... that's what I felt when I saw my 2nd bf.. althought we both decided to dissolve the r/s... each r/s we have makes us become who we are today, how we handle a r/s, how we sees in a r/s, what we expected from a r/s... no one knows the correct formula to a good r/s... even those written on the books are their own experiences of what is wrong and what is correct... reading such book is seeing ourselves inside our own r/s, using it like a mirror to understand ourselves and our partner... understand that those knowledge we have learned from the previous r/s are correct or wrong and whether it will affect the r/s... I guess we must be fair ... just like no one is the same... so does each r/s... its not the same... coz the person you are with is not the same too. So why judge upon the person as it was your ex... its our mistake... we should give each r/s a chance... since we decided to pick it up in the first place... there must be something that makes you take the first step and expose your heart once again...
Ah!~~~~~~~~ I'm late for my work!~!~
I guess i'm partially afraid... after some of conversation with you... I just do not know will you be able to compromise my work... I love my work... I love the process of creating the baby and everyone looks at my baby.... just like having a real baby... I put my heart and soul and my time to groom it... However, I wanted you to understand that I really wanted to spend time with you whenever I can... I guess partially I'm in a wrong... I should have called when I'm free on the set or drop you sms whenever I can... but I think after the previous r/s.. I have subconsciously become independent.. and that's why you are not in my mind most of the time... last time I use to msg alot to my ex... dropping him little sms love notes, etc... he will give me morning call everyday to wake me up from my lazy sleep... and at night before sleep we will chat about the day work and turn in to sleep... but all these makes one dependent, and I'm afraid to fall back to there and hurt myself badly after that... I developed a hate for sms and phone... if you have read my previous entries you will understand how I felt after the break off.... I do not want this r/s to become the previous one... with me always talking to the phone(you)... so no matter how tired I am... I will still drag myself to you and see you and chat with you... I just hope you can understand my passion for my work.. just like I have for your work... I admit that I'm workaholic... ignoring my familyand loved one.... but i do hope at time you can make yourselves known when I'm in that mind and snap me out of it. Is not that I don't care... is just that I need time to learn and adjust myself...
Another point is, I always thought that this relationship is a very matured r/s.... we respect the personal space that we have with work, friends and ourselves... prehaps I overlooked... you are more dependent in the r/s than I have thought... your attention for care and love was a total opposite with you character... I always thought that you are very independent but after this incident I realise that you are very independent with you life.. but when it comes to a r/s you are very insecury about everything... my apologies for not sensing and understand you more... I thought that your 1st r/s was so long... and you sounded that you are a future person and not a past person... you should have let it go and move on... but I guess we are all human.. we all live our lifes with regrets and hurt buried deep inside the heart... we look normal from the outside, pretending that we don't mind about the past, never think about the past, the past does not hurt you anymore.. but deep inside... you just hope that no one goes in and give that wound a touch.... and awake that horrible feeling once again... I guess if I ever bump into my ex... my heart will just freeze... that's what I felt when I saw my 2nd bf.. althought we both decided to dissolve the r/s... each r/s we have makes us become who we are today, how we handle a r/s, how we sees in a r/s, what we expected from a r/s... no one knows the correct formula to a good r/s... even those written on the books are their own experiences of what is wrong and what is correct... reading such book is seeing ourselves inside our own r/s, using it like a mirror to understand ourselves and our partner... understand that those knowledge we have learned from the previous r/s are correct or wrong and whether it will affect the r/s... I guess we must be fair ... just like no one is the same... so does each r/s... its not the same... coz the person you are with is not the same too. So why judge upon the person as it was your ex... its our mistake... we should give each r/s a chance... since we decided to pick it up in the first place... there must be something that makes you take the first step and expose your heart once again...
Ah!~~~~~~~~ I'm late for my work!~!~
posted by sheepz @ 9:48 AM
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